Asshole Astrology by James Garside

Share this post
Asshole Astrology: Week of 1 November 2021
assholeastrology.substack.com

Asshole Astrology: Week of 1 November 2021

Horoscopes for horrible people

James Garside
Nov 1, 2021
Comment
Share
Tough Love Astrology — Horoscopes for horrible people
Horoscopes | Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

Here’s the latest horoscope for your sign.

It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up.

What does the universe have in store for you? Let’s find out.

Tough Love Astrology — Aquarius
Aquarius | Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

Aquarius:

Read a REAL book — one with pages and everything. Write out your opinions about the book in long-hand without referring to the internet. I am Jack’s token cultural reference. You’ve Sophie’s Choice over several work projects: You love them all but one of them has to die. It’s time to make up your mind. You could always take the Keyser Soze approach and KILL EVERYONE. Just walk away. Just walk away and there will be an end to the horror.

Tough Love Astrology — Pisces
Pisces | Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

Pisces:

You’re like the lost child of the Addam’s family. Were you born on a Wednesday? I’ve started remembering my dreams again. Be afraid. Be very afraid. The best one was Battle Royale: Muppets vs Sesame Street. Puppet carnage is somehow much funnier than the real thing. Speaking of which, that provides a tenous link to how things are for you this week. Fall asleep with lights on and wake up with lights off? Check for monsters under the bed.

Tough Love Astrology — Aries
Aries | Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

Aries:

With everything your family says, no matter how much they nag or annoy you, what they’re really trying to say is: “I love you.” It’s sad when people you care about exit from your life. Especially when people who piss you off won’t take the hint. Sometimes you feel the need to say goodbye to people who are no longer in your life and to let them go. Or you could just unfollow them on Twitter and stop stalking them on Facebook. Everyone must go.

Tough Love Astrology — Taurus
Taurus | Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

Taurus:

Everybody’s talking about Artichokes, Asian greens, Asparagus, Beans, Beetroot, Broccoli, Brussels sprouts, Cabbages, Carrots, Cauliflower, Celery, Chilli peppers, Courgettes, Cucumber, Eggplant, Fennel, Garlic, Ginger, Kale, Leeks, Mushrooms, Onions, Parsnips, Potatoes, Pumpkins, Radishes, Rhubarb, Salad greens, Shallots, Spinach, Turnips. This vegetable, that vegetable, salad, salad, salad. All we are saying is give peas a chance.

Tough Love Astrology — Gemini
Gemini | Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

Gemini:

I’m not saying that you’re out of touch but most of your cultural references are carbon dated. I’m not saying that you’re uptight but I bet that you’re the type of person who flinched when Apple put a U2 album on your phone. And I’m not saying that your conversation is boring but last night I dreamt that Terence McKenna downloaded alien poetry into my head. Sorry, you were telling me what you had for breakfast? Pray continue.

Tough Love Astrology — Cancer
Cancer | Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

Cancer:

Americans know best. Doctor Who has always been a little bit shit. It’s perfectly ok to call a Sausage Sandwich a Sausage Roll here in England. It’s not like we already call something else that. Some sort of pastry for example. Coffee is better than tea. It hurts to type these things, or think them, even in jest. Don’t take everything I say literally. If you take everything I say literally then I literally want to punch you in the face.

Tough Love Astrology — Leo
Leo | Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

Leo:

An Albanian proverb says: “In the eyes of the mouse the cat is a lion.” Your inner toddler is Tom Hardy. Remind me to never mess with you. When it comes to one of your deepest darkets secrets you’re worried that the cat is out of the bag. The cat is out of the bag? The cat isn’t out of the bag. Cats can’t escape from out of bags. It’s their one weakness. The only thing that you have to fear is fear itself… and spiders. Fuck spiders.

Tough Love Astrology — Virgo
Virgo | Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

Virgo:

Enjoy your weekends. You only get two days off from your miserable humdrum worker-bee existence so that you don’t die at work. Don’t sit in the corner the whole time with your thumb up your arse. And no I don’t mean like Little Jack Horner. I think you’re thinking of pie. Now I’m thinking about pie. Mmm. Pie. This week you look like the cat that got the cream. I on the other hand ate Tweetie Pie. Hence the feather sticking out of my mouth.

Tough Love Astrology — Libra
Libra | Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

Libra:

A cup of tea solves everything — including running out of tea. No matter how much direction you develop in life you still somehow always seem to manage to piss on your boots. Life is a shit sandwich. Anyone who says differently is trying to sell you something. But if ifs and buts were candy and nuts we’d all have a merry Christmas. Stay positive. Drink tea. That’s a great philosophy for life. Unless you run out of tea.

Tough Love Astrology — Scorpio
Scorpio | Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

Scorpio:

Good morning. I think I’m off back to bed. See you at the weekend. You may feel misunderstood about your insomnia and night-owl tendencies. But clearly anyone who gets up during daylight hours, like a so-called normal person, is daft and not to be trusted. “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” Stay in bed. That’s my advice. And something I do. Hence why I’m in my jim-jams. Bedtime wisdom. Goodnight, everybody.

Tough Love Astrology — Sagittarius
Sagittarius | Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

Sagittarius:

You clearly label a joke as a joke. People still somehow managed to take it literally and act like you’re being serious. It’s almost like they’re determined to take offence at everything. This is why you hate the internet. There ain’t no cure for stupid. No, I’m not saying that you’re stupid. What do you mean you take offence at that? It’s just a joke. There’s no need to get your knickers in a twist. Wait a minute. I see what you did there.

Tough Love Astrology — Capricorn
Capricorn | Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

Capricorn:

After all these years it’s normal that people haven’t seen Star Wars. This week you prove you’re not a millennial by being unable to take a proper selfie. People will be polite and tempted to say something like “You’re looking well” and you won’t even be able to think of a decent one-liner in response. You could always tell them to f*ck off. It’s a good one. A classic. Tried and tested. Vintage. Much like you feel these days in your advanced years.


James Garside is an independent journalist and writer. Join Chapter 23 for the inside track on all their creative projects and insights about life, work, and travel. Subscribe to Asshole Astrology for regular horoscopes.

CommentComment
ShareShare

Create your profile

0 subscriptions will be displayed on your profile (edit)

Skip for now

Only paid subscribers can comment on this post

Already a paid subscriber? Sign in

Check your email

For your security, we need to re-authenticate you.

Click the link we sent to , or click here to sign in.

TopNewCommunity

No posts

Ready for more?

© 2022 James Garside
Privacy ∙ Terms ∙ Collection notice
Publish on Substack Get the app
Substack is the home for great writing