Asshole Astrology — Week of 1 March 2021

Horoscopes for horrible people

Here is next week’s horoscope for your sign.

It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up.

What does the universe have in store for you? Let’s find out.

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Aquarius: Yes I drunk tweet but my grammar, spelling, and punctuation are always immaculate. In real-life I’d like to be voiced by Morgan Freeman. Who would narrate your life? What type of story are you living in? Homework: For the next 24 hours try to play your life as if it’s a computer game. What type of game, and how you keep score, is up to you. When I was little I tried to pay Monopoly money into a bank. That’s pretty much all you need to know about me. The universe says: “You first.” Do nothing and you get nothing. But take a step in any given direction and it’ll warp the world around you.

Pisces: The world is full of our souls. I may have spelt that wrong. The next time you speak to someone try to get beyond the usual bullshit onto things you both care about. Then shut up and listen. You might not find the answers you’re looking for at the bottom of a pint glass. But so long as you’re buying I’m willing to keep looking with you. Got some lovely feedback on my writing: “You totally cracked me up. Almost spilled my coffee laughing!” Challenge accepted. I’ll rid the world of coffee by making all coffee drinkers spill their drinks. Then I’ll make you all a nice cup of tea instead.

Aries: It will probably be fine. “I’m fine. We’re all fine here, now, thank you. How are you?” This is a liminal moment. There’s no need to worry about anything so long as you’re taking appropriate action and moving in the right direction. You’ll probably be fine. Things will probably work out for the best. You may die; but that happens to everyone, eventually, and if you do die then that will suck but once you’re dead you won’t care. I mean that in a good way. I’ve switched it round so that this says you instead of I but it’s wisdom that came to me when I had to go to the hospital. I survived.

Taurus: Have you heard of The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo? You should listen to the audiobook, it’s so much fun — you’ll never look at your socks in the same way again. Every article I’ve read about the KonMari method, that wasn’t written by Marie Kondo herself, contains: Half-assed descriptions of the steps. An admission that they didn’t do the steps or did them in the wrong order. Erroneous conclusions about a method that they even didn’t use. I find her stuff really helpful. If only because I love to listen to the audiobook whilst I chuck things out.

Gemini: Good luck with your minimalism, downsizing and decluttering challenge — I dream of fitting everything into a rucksack. I wish that charity shops gave you a nominal amount of money for your crap. I know that’s the opposite ethos to a charity shop but I’d love to be able to hand over all my crap to a shop and get a little money back in return. I’m sympathetic to zero-waste, minimalism, voluntary simplicity, just not how they get co-opted by consumerism. How do you use the Kon Mari method on your computer files? Do emails spark joy? I must be getting them from the wrong people.

Cancer: It is a truth universally acknowledged that a person, being in possession of a collection of unread books, must be in want of more books. You know how you keep yelling at me to buy your book? And you carpet bomb your social media with links to buy your book? Well, it finally paid off. Today I went to a bookshop. And I bought a cup of tea and a flapjack. So thanks for that. My natural habitat would be a library where you’re allowed to drink tea and eat flapjacks so long as you don’t get anything on the books. Lots of anti-Kindle types write in. Why are we fighting? The book and the Kindle can live in peace!

Leo: Is your place filling up with annoying people who don’t understand the concept of personal space or minding their own business? Time to move or check the mirror. This is why we can’t have nice things. Not having nice things is what life is about. Did you try to make up for lost time? Just tell them: “There’s something I’ve wanted to say since the day we met. Goodbye.” People are weird. When I was little I used to call them human beans. You deserve to live with lovely people. Yes you do. We all need kindness and there are lots of decent people who’d be pleased to show it to you.

Virgo: Woke up this morning on someone else’s couch dressed as Leonard Rossiter. True story. Admittedly not my true story. But someone’s. It was a friend’s true story. It’s mine now because I stole it. I woke up in some strange parallel world where Americans love sarcasm and English people can’t take a joke. Or Twitter as I like to call it. You don’t want to be on your deathbed thinking: “I should have spent more time on Twitter.” That was a joke, by the way! “Nothing is true. Everything is permitted.” Tell people stories. Without stories the real world tilts on its axis and so do we.

Libra: The following programme contains strong language, violence and scenes of a sexual nature. Good. That’s why we watch it. Dear people who tweet blow-by-blow accounts of what they watch on TV as it happens: What the fuck is wrong with you?! Whether it’s music, TV, drugs, alcohol or twitter we basically spend our lives doing things that divert us from thinking about our lives. There’s back-to-back episodes of Storage Hunters on TV. As much as I hate to admit it I need an intervention. Send help. There’s back to back episodes of Nigella’s Kitchen on another channel. I may go blind.

Scorpio: Stare out of the window. Snow is wonderful so long as I can watch it through the window from inside somewhere warm. A dragonfly pestered me all night as I tried to sleep. Every time I let it out it crawled back in through the window. I’m happiest when staring out of the window of a fast-moving vehicle at beautiful or interesting scenery — watching the world at one remove. According to Nadia Boulanger: “Life is denied by lack of attention, whether it be to cleaning windows or trying to write a masterpiece.” TV isn’t a window on the world so much as a brick wall decorated with neon skulls and the blood of innocent children.

Sagittarius: Bees are living in the wall cavity next to my bedroom — they keep coming in through the air vent from outside the house. The air vent’s in my room so I can hear them through the wall. I’m glad to help them, and it’s illegal to remove them anyway, but it is seriously creepy AF. I’ve no plans to kill them. It’s probably illegal as far as I know in the UK. Plus they’re endangered and I’m trying not to be a dick. I like bees. If it was wasps, there’d already be a mushroom cloud outside my bedroom window. Wasps are the traffic wardens of the insect world. Do we need to talk about the birds and the bees? This is what I’m saying.

Capricorn: Would you rather be a person who makes or consumes art? There be the gap. The vocation of each writer is to describe the world as he or she sees it; anything more than that is advertising. Today I’ve been so desperate to procrastinate — I even did some writing. What is this ‘writing’ of which you speak? I thought it was a myth. Yes. But yes. To my fellow writers who are stuck: just remember you can’t write anything if you’re too self-conscious. I’d think of something witty to say here but I’ve got to shout at people before I go home. Or, you know, speak nicely and drink tea.