Asshole Astrology — Week of 1 February 2021

Horoscopes for horrible people

Here is next week’s horoscope for your sign.

It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up.

What does the universe have in store for you? Let’s find out.

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Aquarius: [After a conversation about cuddly toy rabbits] Them: “You’ve got a REALLY DARK cynical side to you!” Me: *grinning like a Cheshire cat* “I know.” What can I say? I had an interesting childhood! What’s your favourite book for children? You should read it again as an adult. So long as it doesn’t involve clowns. Mine’s probably a tie between The Necronomicon and The Hungry Caterpillar. You should set up a shelter in your state for traumatised books. It’s like Where’s Wally but with clowns and scary. “Childhood’s over the moment you know you’re gonna die.” Sorry, wrong meeting. I’m off to play outside now — have fun!

Pisces: Why are people so stupid? NOT YOU, I’m sure that you’re lovely, I mean those other people. The stupid ones. It seems the height of idiocy to block someone for saying something you don’t agree with — especially when they weren’t even talking to you. I don’t pretend to know or understand anything — I’m just on earth to make the numbers up. But as a rough rule of thumb: If you know that someone works full-time and has health issues then maybe don’t expect them to do things for you. You can’t please everyone but it’s easy to piss them off. Words to live by.

Aries: There’s a zombie on your lawn, there’s a zombie on your lawn. There’s a zombie on your lawn. We don’t like zombies on the lawn. Sorry, wrong meeting. Just don’t do any gardening. Also: Get off my lawn. Don’t you think that zombies should be fat given all that they eat? Well, I guess that they walk a lot and brains aren’t fatty? Never underestimate the importance of a good cardio workout. This is what I’m saying. From experience I’d say 10.000 steps a day is a great starting goal for you. When I lost weight before I also started cycling and learnt to swim.

Taurus: People think that you’re far too shiny to practice dark magick. Can someone who has met you in real life verify you’re human and not an alien working for the FBI? I thought not. Maybe someday someone will date your secret identity and find out all about the real you. I won’t judge you — I used to wear Superman underwear. When I got too big for them I put them on my Teddy Bear. Don’t judge me. F. Scott Fitzgerald said: “Cut out all these exclamation points. An exclamation point is like laughing at your own joke.” I can still feel you judging me, judgy!!!

Gemini: Time to go on a Media Diet? Need to reduce the meaningless distractions in your life? READ THIS: [insert sarcasm here]. It’s a magical land full of unicorns and rainbows — and monsters that eat unicorns and shit rainbows. Stay online. People favourite the strangest things! I think of attention in terms of what I call Eyeball Time: the time that we spend with our eyes open looking at things. These should not be thought of as separate things. As Mary Oliver said: “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” Is this really it?

Cancer: I think Red Fraggle was probably the first redhead I ever fell in love with. Sorry, wrong meeting. The saddest bit of caring about someone? Afterwards. Please hug everyone and tell them to make it stop. Are you a Fraggle or a Doozer? From Monday to Friday I’m a Doozer but on evenings and weekends I’m a Fraggle and I’ll always be a Fraggle at heart. Dance your cares away. *clap clap* Worries for another day. Let the music play. *clap clap* Down at Fraggle Rock. Work your cares away. *clap clap* Dancing for another day. Let the Fraggles play. *clap clap* Down at Fraggle Rock. Admit it, you’re a Fraggle!

Leo: Here’s The Top 10 Reasons To Never Read List Posts (And The Truth Behind Something You Don’t Know But Feel Insecure About). Shut up. Do you prefer a beautiful lie or an ugly truth? People are weird in a good way, the world in a bad way. All governments are murderers, all marketers liars. Thank you, I’ll be here all week. I prefer a beautiful lie-in. Preferably until early afternoon. When I rule the world no-one will expect people to put the toilet seat up or down for them. All marketers are liars and trying to sell you something. This is what I’m saying.

Virgo: I’m a misanthropic humanist at heart. I hate people as a collective but still worry and care about them individually. Or, you know, vice versa. Where do you stand? I tried to set up a Misanthropes Anonymous but we all hated each other, on principle, and refused to attend meetings. We’d hold meetings but can’t stand to be in the same room as each other — but I do count you as a friend. What do you think we should do with the bodies? It will come to you. I vote the same. We could just quarantine happy people so they don’t infect the rest of us. *looks innocent*

Libra: How are you getting on with your minimalism and downsizing? I fantasise about getting rid off all my personal posessions except my laptop and what I can fit in a daysack but minimalism seems so wasteful. Minimalism shiminalism. As someone who’s poor I’ve a problem with minimalism. As much as I want to get rid of excess stuff most of mine’s unsellable and I’m loathe to throw it away. If I get rid of it I don’t have the luxury of being able to easily afford to buy it again. How does that chime with minimalism? There’s security in redundancy. This is what I’m saying.

Scorpio: I’m sick of short reads on Kindle that are clearly thinly-disguised blog posts and should have stayed that way instead of being published as books. The books I’m complaining about are basically blog posts that someone has made into a short book. They’re usually along the lines of “You want to know about subject? I know about subject. Here’s the secret to subject. Now proceed to not tell you the secret about subject.” Read books instead of blog posts. Any yin-yang can start a blog — including most writers — I didn’t think this through fully now, did I?

Sagittarius: Dear American friends who think UK TV’s just Downton Abbey and that we talk like that in real life, you’re wrong. Please watch Utopia instead. According to my Dad: “Downton Abbey is just Upstairs, Downstairs for posh people.” Just out of interest: Are you Irish by birth or really American? Please forgive me for being nosey. I just know a lot of Americans who entertain some fantasy that they have Irish heritage but it’s even less convincing than my roots as a Viking. I’m just teasing! I’m determined to annoy you enough to bring out your secret New York twang.

Capricorn: Twitter’s weird. Your favourite musicians, actors and comedians talk to you. Angry people shout at you, for no apparent reason, and then complete strangers tell you what they had for breakfast. My taste in books, music and films is eclectic but I know what I like and don’t have nough time for stuff that I won’t. Music is a broad church. Caffeine is a broad church. Literature is a broad church. People should be more forgiving of others who don’t belong to the same fandoms as them. No pop no style, I strictly roots. No pop no style, I strictly roots.