Here is next month’s horoscope for your sign.
It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up.
You still need to read each sign because they’re all secretly about you.
Sign up to get your horoscopes for horrible people. Don’t worry, I’m sure that you’re lovely.
Aquarius: Don’t take everything I say literally. If you take everything I say literally I literally want to punch you in the face. Turn off the TV and focus on your talents and creativity. Your main sources of entertainment should be creation, education and communication — in that order — not consumption. Hollywood has always been obsessed with image over talent. It’s called The Dream Factory with good reason. Don’t fall for the myth about the great tortured genius artist. Muses can’t type; that’s all they need you for. Get back to work.
Pisces: I’m trying to get the following meme to go viral: ‘Be kind. Pass it on.’ Not the most popular idea I’ve ever had. If eyes are the window to the soul then Twitter and Facebook are the windows to your navel and butt-crack respectively. If aliens monitored social media they’d think humans were a bizarre low-level artificial intelligence obsessed with food and cat pictures. Here’s a picture of a cat. The cat can’t spell and that’s funny. That’s all well and good and exciting as all get-out but what did you have for lunch?
Aries: I’m genuinely worried about you. I mean that in a good way. How can I help? By all means tell me to mind my own business but have you spoken to a GP or counsellor? Do you have friends you can turn to? When was the last time you spoke to someone in your life about this? If you ever want to talk, I’ll listen. Sometimes it helps to talk to a random stranger. I don’t pretend to know how you feel but I genuinely hope that you’re ok. Whenever I feel like that I vow to sleep on it. I sleep a lot but live to tell the tale.
Taurus: Do you remember when the Pope resigned? Bwahahaha. That’s faith in action. How can you resign from being a representative of god on earth? Isn’t that a little presumptuous? Next you’ll be telling me there is no God and the whole thing is a bad joke. Food for thought. You might not be Catholic, or appreciate sarcasm about the Pope, but you often feel guilty about imaginary things so that’s close enough. I’m not telling you how to live. That would be an ecumenical matter. I’m just saying that you should give it some thought this month.
Gemini: I internet translated: “What do I do with my life?” into random languages and back into English. It came back: “I can do anything in my life.” That seems appropriate somehow. I guess that’s the question we all need to answer for ourselves — and that the life you live is the only real answer to that question. What do you want to do with your life? Look at the life you’re already living. That’s the honest answer to your question. Anything can happen in the next half-hour. Usually the same old shit as happened in the last half-hour.
Cancer: I wrote a piece titled ‘All writers are assholes but not all assholes are writers.’ The typical response was something along the lines of: “Hey, asshole, don’t call me an asshole. I’m not an asshole — you’re an asshole.” They’re only proving my point. All writers are fucked-up weirdos. I mean that in a good way. You’ve got the same productivity schedule as Batman — you work alone at night in your underwear. The only bit you don’t have figured out yet is the billionaire playboy lifestyle he enjoys the rest of the time.
Leo: If you write on an iPad then you’re not serious about writing. I’m just saying. If you want to write to live you have to live to write. But if you spend more time fetishising about what pen to use than actually writing then you know that you’re a hipster. Elie Wiesel said: “Write only if you cannot live without writing. Write only what you alone can write.” Write one word. Now write two words. Now write three words. You see where I’m going with this. As Margaret Atwood said: “A word after a word after a word is power.”
Virgo: You just made a difficult decision and acted on it. Does that mean that you’re all growed up now and get to wear big boy pants? Sounds like somebody is going to have a big month. Will you treat yourself to an ice-cream as a reward for being good? Kids, mommy loves you, but today you’re going to learn that life is unfair. When you’re young people think your diffidence is endearing. When you’re not people just think you’re being a dick. I promise never to use the phrase ‘big boy pants’ again so you should stick to wearing combats.
Libra: Raymond Carver said it best: “It’s strange. You never start out life with the intention of becoming a bankrupt or an alcoholic or a cheat and a thief. Or a liar.” It’s not you, it’s me. Ok, it’s definitely you. Maybe you’re just a horrible person? Do you think that’s an accurate description of your personality? The truth is I don’t think you want to know that, Dave. If I don’t tell you the truth, like HAL, it’s only because I’ve your best interests at heart. Do your best and be your best. You’re a misanthrope, not a psychopath.
Scorpio: Dear Universe, please stop being so subtle. When people say ‘give me a sign’ they mean a big flashing neon one pointing at the right path to take. Your heart will say you’ve fallen in love. Your soul will say you’ve found your better half. Your friends will say you’ve hit your head. There are two kinds of truth: the lies that we tell to ourselves and the lies that we tell to each other. Enthusiasm is contagious; like Herpes. It’s bad enough you can catch it from a stranger but it’s far worse if you catch it from a friend.
Sagittarius: On a morning it should be illegal to talk 1) to you, 2) at all, and 3) until you’ve had a cup of tea. With different punishments for each. Mornings should be banned and morning people hunted down with dogs and killed. Preferably at night so they don’t have the upper hand. It’s time for you to relax. You keep using that word. I don’t think it means what you think it means. Focus on your health and happiness, get some sleep, take care of your body and treat yourself with kindness and respect. You don’t need to feel guilty about it.
Capricorn: Life is a game. Press Button and Insert Coins. Ready Player One. Game Over. Continue? Insert Coins. Game Over. Continue? Insert Coins. Game Over. Continue? Insert Coins. Game Over. Continue? Game Over. Continue? Insert Coins. Game Over. Continue? Insert Coins. Game Over. Continue? Insert Coins. Game Over. Continue? Game Over. Continue? Insert Coins. Game Over. Continue? Insert Coins. Game Over. Continue? Insert Coins. Game Over. Continue? Game Over. Continue? Insert Coins. Game Over. Continue? Insert Coins. Game Over. Continue?
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