Here’s the latest horoscope for your sign.
It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up.
What does the universe have in store for you? Let’s find out.
Aquarius: Silence is golden. It’s okay if you choose to go for the bronze. You’re busy pimping yourself to pay for pimping yourself — or trying to hold down a day job as other people prefer to call it. You’re not cut out for IT Support. You keep wanting to yell at them: “Just look at the screen! It’s all right there! What don’t you understand?!” Maybe use your inside voice there and resist the urge to shout at people who are supposed to be your customers. Just a thought.
Pisces: Be careful about who is in your circle but not in your corner. Whatever you will, will be. You might want to declare yourself ‘bisexual on general fucking principle.’ It doesn’t mean you’re gay, straight or bi. It’s ok to be whatever and whoever you are. Gender and sexuality are on sliding scales. Any form of intimacy, sexual or otherwise, between any number or combination of consenting adults is nobody’s business but the people involved. You love who you love.
Aries: Emotional outlook: Stormy with the chance of occasional showers. How are you today? Please reply in GIF form only. #GIFYourMood Time to watch something really dumb on television — preferably a film and not the news. How much should you charge for your work? Drug-dealing 101 — the first taste is always free. And what should you buy? Good stuff. Always better to buy quality, at a price you can afford, that lasts for years than lots of cheap replaceable crap.
Taurus: If it wasn’t difficult then it wouldn’t be work. You’re not unemployed — you’re independent. But you know what they say: If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys. Whilst we’re on the subject of what you should do for a living can I say I never understood the phrase “If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys.” I thought it was elephants that liked peanuts. But that’s what you get for watching Dumbo about a hundred times. Surely if you want monkeys you have to pay top banana?
Gemini: Sometimes you read something that people have said in response to something you wrote online and think: “Well, aren’t you something. Aren’t you just darling. Aren’t you just the most charming, witty, and adorable human being? Such intelligence and erudition.” I said sometimes, right? A person is smart. People are idiots. These should not be thought of as separate things. No matter what you do somebody somewhere is going to think that you’re an asshole. And they’re probably right.
Cancer: “It’s not easy, but you have to be persistent. You might have to defeat a demon lord, or warp through several worlds. But once you do, you walk up the wizard stairs, and produce your magic key you got in the water world and unlock the chamber door. Then, you walk right up to the princess, and give her a smooch. Does that make sense?” I am Jake’s obligatory Adventure Time reference. He may be a yellow dog that usually spouts nonsense but it’s still good advice.
Leo: I feel bad for moths but if a human tried to eat my clothes I wouldn’t think twice about killing them so perhaps that’s a double standard. I’m going to shut up now. For my benefit, not yours. We’re all going to die. Do whatever you want. I mean that in a good way. Eating garlic is like building on the disused site of an indian burial ground. It seems like a great idea until it comes back to haunt you. If I were you I wouldn’t take advice from people like me.
Virgo: “Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish on his ability to climb a tree, he will go through his whole life believing he is stupid.” I think it was Einstein who said that. Once you go wax you never go back. That’s candles, not crotches. If you can’t do something meaningful with your life then experiment with other people’s. You can’t decide whether to be Professor Chaos or General Disarray. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, fuck you asshole.
Libra: So you’ve got a great idea? Your next step should be to make a plan to make the idea real. Don’t get sucked into dreaming or talking about it. Substitute activities are no substitute for doing the hard work. I’m not saying that they’re useless. I’m not saying that they don’t help. I’m saying that they aren’t essential. I’m saying that they aren’t the work. So you wanna be a boxer in the golden ring. Can you punch like a south-bound freight train? Tell me just one thing.
Scorpio: Do you ever suspect that the universe is just trying to fuck with you?! Sorry, wrong meeting. If you’re not sure what you need — it’s probably sleep. Go back to bed. Sleep is for the week. So enjoy your weekend. It’s ok to burn your bridges so long as you’re prepared to walk through fire to get what you want. Cut the plug off the internet! I mean that in a good way — you’ll get more from the experience if you’re fully present. Be here now even though it’s terrible.
Sagittarius: It’s Adventure Time. Come on, grab your friends. We’ll go to very distant lands. With Jake the dog and Finn the human. Sorry, wrong meeting. You never fail to make me laugh. Even when you’re being serious. Usually not annoying at the very least. Antidepressants help keep you alive but stifle creativity; without which life doesn’t feel worth living. Any thoughts on not taking them? You control your actions but not people’s reactions. So do it if it feels ok to you.
Capricorn: Welcome to Sarcasm, please enjoy your stay. If you don’t understand sarcasm, look it up in the dictionary and SHUT UP. You have to write your truth. No matter what happens in your life take notes. You won’t remember it afterwards. Even when you think you have nothing of value to write about. Sitting down and writing produces surprising results. As Hunter S Thompson said in Rum Diary: “Do you smell it? It’s the smell of bastards. It’s also the smell of truth. I smell ink!”
James Garside is an independent journalist and writer. Join Chapter 23 for the inside track on all their creative projects and insights about life, work, and travel. Subscribe to Asshole Astrology for regular horoscopes.