Asshole Astrology — March 2021
Horoscopes for horrible people
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Here is next month’s horoscope for your sign.
It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up.
What does the universe have in store for you? Let’s find out.
Aquarius: I bit my tongue whilst eating Tongue. Karma is alive and well and living in my mouth. Does it taste like chicken? Nah, it’s kinda gross actually. I’m not proud of it, I was hungry. I’m keeping a food diary — if anyone suggests that I drink too much tea I’m going to bury them in the woods. Instead of keeping a food diary you should take photos of your food. It’s much easier and more effective. That doesn’t mean you need to show them to other people. There’s literally no need to post them to Instagram. Unless you’re spelling rude words with Alphabetti Spaghetti no-one wants to see it.
Pisces: You’re secretly a hopeless romantic. Sometimes you feel insecure; especially with people you don’t know very well. You have an old box of photographs in your house that you keep meaning to sort through. You had an accident as a child that had something to do with water. You love your family but have problems with a certain relative or family member. You’re usually positive and cheerful but there was a time that you were deeply unhappy. You’re kind and considerate but quick to anger when someone breaks your trust. You’re quiet and shy but sometimes want to hog the spotlight. I could literally make up vague general statements like this all day. They say nothing about you.
Aries: A friend said to me: “Of course you deserve a pet Cthulhu, I just worry you’ll try to take over the world.” I’m beginning to suspect they’re just humouring me. What do people say to you to placate you? Homework: Whenever you think “I couldn’t possibly say that”, say it, and see what happens. Have you ever had a nightmare so deranged that, although it was horrid and scary, you were impressed by what your brain came up with? Me too, me too. Death in Tarot and dreams often means change and isn’t always literal though so try to not worry too much about your impending demise.
Taurus: Americans referred to the second Iraq war Operation Iraqi Liberation until it was pointed out that this spelled OIL. Sorry, wrong meeting. Have you ever noticed how the so-called moral majority isn’t moral and there’s more of us than them? Sorry, wrong meeting. You ever noticed how people who say ‘all views are my own’ don’t have any? Sorry, wrong meeting. The world is fucked and it is fucking us. This could get a little messy. In the words of the immortal Bill Hicks: “All drugs should be legal. War is wrong. The rich get richer. The poor get poorer. Thank you, I’ll be here all week.”
Gemini: First world problem: Being unable to think of something sarcastic to say about that hideous thing on TV (I think it’s called a “celebrity” that you couldn’t give a shit about. First world insult: “I’m sorry, I thought you were a spambot.” I think I just invented a new sport: Bieber Baiting. Why else would anyone tell me that Justin Bieber is on TV unless they wanted me to hunt him with a rifle? I must also remember to pack a fork to stab out my eyes and a knife to cut off my ears afterwards. What do you mean these horoscopes have gotten a little too dark and introspective?
Cancer: I’ve been on the receiving end of an awful lot of shitty behaviour. I’ve also discovered that in other people’s eyes I’m the asshole. Or that in the eyes of those involved I’m the monster or guilty party. We all think we’re the big star in the movie of our lives but we’re really just unpaid extras and bit-parts in someone else’s. The world would be a much nicer place if we gave each other the benefit of the doubt. Flaubert said: “I write a love letter, to write, and not because I love.” I’m the same but tend to write best when I’m angry. What do you mean I’ve got anger management issues? I don’t have anger management issues. I’m angry. I manage.
Leo: Write the first line of your autobiography. For example, mine would be something along the lines of: “Birth was like a bungee jump — but someone cut the cord.” Life is on the up and up. Unless you’re a professional bungee jumper. Learn to love your newfound powers of invisibility. When I say ‘new’ I mean ‘intrinsic’. When I say ‘love’ I mean ‘lament.’ People will always tell you to be more positive. Cheerfully hope that you’re a grumpy pessimist. Your body says that you’re made of snot but your brain says that you’re made of awesome. You may be coming down with a cold. Wrap up warm.
Virgo: I’ve decided to start offering fake productivity advice and see if anyone notices: Your to do list needs to be shit proof — especially if you get your best ideas on the toilet. That kind of thing. I shall try to be witty and entertaining but I can’t make any promises. If you steal picnic baskets then you’re smarter than the average bear. In my humble opinion you’re a writer if you write, have written, desperately want to write, or get pissed off when not writing. In that order. Writers write, right? Always be skeptical of everything; including advice to be skeptical of everything.
Libra: Lifehack: You learn more about how to do something by doing it badly than by reading about how to do it well. I’ve noticed that most of my extemporaneous writing is publishable as is. Not great, perhaps, but publishable. If I write off-the-cuff or when I’m angry then almost nothing needs changing. Perhaps I can afford to take my perfectionism down a notch? I’ve decided as a general rule to try and be more civil and less combative on social media. Tell no-one or I will kick your arse. There’s a working metaphor for your life in here somewhere. There isn’t really of course.
Scorpio: All modern art is rubbish. Once in an art gallery in Wakefield their signature piece was a shopping trolley full of milk cartons. The piece was called ‘The Cow.’ They hadn’t even bothered to stick the milk cartons together or put them in any order. This has annoyed me for 30+ years. The prosecution rests. I don’t really hate all modern art — I just hate lazy art. Which is funny really as you’d think that laziness was my thing. I thought about live-streaming my writing process. Then I worried that I’d forget I was on camera and do something obscene. No-one wants to watch six hours of me drinking tea and swearing.
Sagittarius: If something is worth doing then it’s worth doing obsessively at three in the morning. If you throw enough shit against a wall then eventually some of it will stick. If you’re tired of tea then you’re tired of life. If your eyes are the window to your soul then Twitter and Facebook are the windows to your navel and butt-crack respectively. If in doubt make tea — life will still be a shit sandwich but at least you have tea. If you don’t realise that I’m actually asking for myself then I really don’t want your advice. If I was immortal I’d probably spend most of my time reading books. Why change the habit of a lifetime?
Capricorn: Dodgy made-up writing proverb: “All writers are assholes but not all assholes are writers.” Sumerian proverb: “Act promptly, make your god happy.” Zen proverb: “If you want to know about a tree, go to the tree.” Japanese proverb: “Even monkeys fall from trees.” Tea-drinker wisdom that sounds like a proverb but isn’t one really: “Always go for the biscuit.” Yet another thing that I say that you could try to pass off as a proverb: “Life is a shitty first draft. You only get rewrites if you’re buddhist.” The road to hell is paved with aphorisms. This is what I’m saying.
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