Here’s the latest horoscope for your sign.

It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up.

Since anodyine self-help bullshit is all anyone wants to read these days:

5 Ways to Be More Productive Each Day

1. Drink tea
2. Write for a bit
3. Swear a lot
4. Write more whilst drinking more tea and swearing more creatively
5. Get up and go for a damn walk

You’re welcome.

What does the universe have in store for you? Let’s find out.

Aquarius: Dora the Explorer has a bad attitude. I’m just putting that out there. It’s time to speak your truth and tell your stories. As Anne Lamott said: “You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.” You seem to be getting a reputation for being grumpy and sarcastic — please keep up the good work. Flattery will get you everywhere these days. You look great; been working out?

Pisces: You’ve started receiving ‘love letters’ from spambots, but you’re not fooled — you know that they’re just trying to soften you up for the robot uprising. Hi! Remember how you thought robots were going to be cool but they turned out to just be corporate shills? Remember that you’re not one. Well, I’m pretty sure you’re not a robot, not unless you dream about unicorns.
Robots don’t kill people. People build robots that kill people. Wait. Sorry, wrong meeting!

Aries: I love the crestfallen looks on the faces of supposed social media experts when they ask how I got so many followers on Twitter and I say: “I’m grumpy, sarcastic and I swear a lot. What’s my content? Bad jokes, bad writing and the occasional unhinged rant. Ok frequent rants.” Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says: “I thought you knew how to drive this fucking thing!” Best. Joke. Ever. My advice for you this month? Fuck you if you can’t take a joke.

Taurus: Do you never stop to think about how we live in space on a spinning rock that’s being kept warm by a fireball? Maybe you should. We’re all just space monkeys, really! Let that be your thought for the day. Some people don’t have a sense of humour. It’s perfectly ok to fuck with those people. You’re done with snark — it’s lollipops and rainbows from here on out. Black and red and purple and black, black and purple and blue. You can goth a rainbow, goth a rainbow, goth a rainbow too.

Gemini: When you partition a hard drive as “free space” do you immediately think of Firefly or Serenity and have lines from them running through your head? You might be a sci-fi dork. Don’t worry, you’re in good company. The best way to get rid of your internet stalkers is to chat with them on Skype. You’ll be amazed by how quickly they lose interest as soon as they realise that you’re just as weird, dorky, and socially awkward as them. No power in the verse can stop you.

Cancer: I was accused of being passive-aggressive by a cartoon squirrel once. What’s the weirdest thing you’ve said today? Don’t ask people stupid questions. If you have a problem then do what the English do — keep your mouth shut and figure it out for yourself. When you ask a librarian a stupid question, for example, they secretly long to punch you. I know this because I used to work in a library and kept a running list of all the stupid questions that people asked me.

Leo: What page would you be on if your life was a book? You’re probably at the point where you’ve no idea what happens next but hope that there’s a happy ending. At least if you’re like pretty much anyone else who is currently alive on the planet. You should take courage from this. You’re human and your story is unfolding. As Virginia Woolf said: “Lock up your libraries if you like; but there is no gate, no lock, no bolt that you can set upon the freedom of my mind.”

Virgo: Is there anything more exhausting than having to explain your jokes to people? Yes, that’s a joke. No, you don’t need to answer. This IS a friendly discussion and I AM being sarcastic. But the two are NOT mutually exclusive. Do you see how this works? That was a rhetorical question. Do not fucking email me with your thoughts about how I’m wrong. As E.B. White said: “Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog. You understand it better but the frog dies in the process.”

Libra: The point of society is to coerce people into behaving like docile consumers. Sorry, wrong meeting. Be a creator, not a consumer. The people who make the conent that you consume are having way more fun than you. Some of them are living their dreams, some are really good at what they do, and some even get paid. Would you rather be creative or passive? Consumers tend to get what they’re given. Turn off the TV. Do something. Make make make, don’t take take take.

Scorpio: If you look like a cow with a princess growing from its back then other people are right to look at you askance and with some degree of skepticism. What do you mean you don’t know what I mean? Argument by analogy will only ever get you so far. The map is not the territory. You have to go the rest of the way on foot. Yes I realise that was another analogy. Don’t judge me. It’s the cross you have to bear but I guess it comes with the territory. Yeah, it does. Shut up.

Sagittarius: You’re still alive. I hope all is well for you. But if you read this far then right now, at this moment as you read this, you are still alive. I mean that in a good way. Treat yourself gently. You’re never ready to do anything. Just like you’re never ready to have kids. The only way to become ready is to do it. There is no right time to do anything. The only time to do it is right now or never at all. There is literally nothing else inbetween these two positions.

Capricorn: Life is made up of small moments — make of them what you need. Try to live a good life. Or you could just drink whisky. There is no such thing as bad language — all words are good words. It’s the bloody numbers that you have to watch out for! Numbers lie. It’s much easier to lie with numbers than with words. Do the math. Tell me I’m wrong. Urban Dictionary defines mathematics as the lesbian sister of biology. That was a little unexpected. Just roll with it.