Asshole Astrology — January 2021
Horoscopes for horrible people
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Here is next month’s horoscope for your sign.
It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up.
What does the universe have in store for you? Let’s find out.
My new year’s resolution is to stop being sarcastic.
I’m also going to cut off all my hair and dress in white.
Well, that didn’t last long.
Aquarius: George RR Martin, of the Game of Thrones books, joked on Twitter: “JK Rowling, Joss Whedon, and I walk into a bar… Everyone you’ve ever cared about dies.” It may have been his parody account but that’s fans for you. Fans will also point out that they’re not the Game of Thrones books, the series is called something else, I just want to annoy them. I even know the correct name for the series of books. I’m just not going to use it. Why? Because fuck you. Make this your answer to anyone who attempts to second-guess you this month: “Why?” “Because fuck you.”
Pisces: Oh, I’ve missed you, monkey! I sincerely hope that this year is your best year yet. Why do you feel you struggle? Is it fear of failure or success, special snowflake syndrome, and bone-idleness? Oh, hush. You needed reminding? Judge people by the fruits of their labor — not by the profanity they use while working. Everyone on the internet is fiction. You’re not real until we meet. I’m much less grumpy in real life, I promise. I treat everyone as a fictional character until proven otherwise. Metrics, conversation and common sense all help. Wise up.
Aries: Whatever you’re doing, I hope that you have a brilliant new year! I dreamt that you mentioned being added to my made-of-awesome list in a blog post. I was both flattered and amused. There’s no need to thank me. Don’t worry about netiquette. If you had to thank everyone you’d never get anything done. Please let me know how it goes. Whatever it is that you’re doing. I’m not going to dance round the room with pom-poms like a cheerleader but I can in your head. That’s the gig. I’m your metaphorical cheerleader. Thank you? Of course, monkey! Don’t mention it again.
Taurus: Your New Year’s Resolutions: None. Perhaps they’re sleeping? You’re watching The Big Lebowski in your underwear yet again. The dude abides. You keep using that token cultural reference, I do not think it means what you think it means. When asked if you’d love to walk the corridors of high-school once more you said: “Yes, with a shotgun.” Apparently you’ve got ‘unresolved issues.’ You literally don’t know what that is but it sounds pretty boss! KEEP GOING. You’re SO CLOSE. Make it as easy as possible and keep going. Lower your standards and keep going. Abide.
Gemini: I am a sad panda. Once in a blue moon someone who has followed me on Twitter for years finally concludes that I’m a self-involved jackass, throws a strop, and then unfollows me. Well duh. Did it really take you that long? There’s no need to throw a strop. Just unfollow me. Don’t you know I’m busy? This applies to your life too by the way. People come and go but they shouldn’t be allowed to do so as they please. Think of your current life more like a one-way street. People will still come and go. Tell them to not let the door slam their arse on the way out.
Cancer: When I was little Boba Fett was my favourite Star Wars character. My parents tried to explain to me that you’re not supposed to root for the bad guys but I was having none of it. Cute story, right? Thanks and yes that should be your new years resolution. Root for the bad guys. Become one of the bad guys. You can’t do a worse job than the assholes who are currently in charge. They’re truly evil and not in a good way. If you don’t take over the world it will be left in their hands. Become evil. Rule the world. Maybe drink tea first and sit down for a bit.
Leo: A Happy Productive New Year to you with hugs from across the pond. Irrespective of which side of the pond you’re on. Or if you’re not near the pond at all. Maybe you live near some other stretch of water. Or up a tree. I don’t care. You’re either American or American’t. That’s the prevailing attitude, isn’t it? Oh I agree, it sucks. That’s why they say that: “God created war so that Americans would learn geography.” I’m with Robert Anton Wilson. The map is not the territory. The future is not the past. Draw your own map of the world with you at the centre.
Virgo: You use Facebook instead of email to message people. You’re not proud of it — but at least one is, to use the vernacular, down with the youth. Stop using emoji. You’re making me feel old and out of touch! It’s a sad indictment of contemporary culture that we now judge a person’s value solely by their influence on social media. Please RT and like. Hashtag I can change! What you need is a way to like when someone favourites your retweets of their likes of your favourite likes. Or a big red anti-social media button. Byte me. How’s that for a first world insult?
Libra: A previous employer said they knew when I was doing the finances as it’s the only time they ever heard me swear. All I know is that words make me happy and numbers make me sad. And there you were thinking that you’re the only one in the office that’s like that, that feels the way you feel, and that everybody hates you. Delete LinkedIn from your phone. There’s only so much news of shitty people with great new jobs you can stand. It’s like a high-school reunion. Don’t compare your career to others. You may want to re-sit mathematics or learn how to code.
Scorpio: The Wikipedia article about Simon Cowell is a stub. You can help Wikipedia by not expanding it. Trust me. If I was a celebrity you’d think that my meaningless drivel was FUCKING HILARIOUS! Think of your writing not as a novel or story so much as an audition for your characters. Most of them are sst around doing nothing. Give them something to do. Enjoy the process. You’ll be fine. Why not write three lines tonight and sleep on it? Slow and steady wins the race but hard and fast is also fun. Don’t get hung up on this. You’re writing a novel, not having an orgasm.
Sagittarius: Thank you for your lovely messages. You said my fake horoscopes are better than most real horoscopes. They started as a joke but have turned into an excellent source of life advice for lots of people. They also contain more sarcasm, snark and swearing but you can’t please everyone. You’re welcome. I’m always glad to connect with writers, artists and other friendly and creative humans instead of spambots. You’re my favourite sign. Good luck for the new year.
Capricorn: The internet has permanently disavowed me of the notion that Americans don’t get sarcasm. I mean that in a good way. It’s always good to know that they won’t take me out and shoot me when they rule the world. Which they don’t by the way. I know that you no longer care about leaving your mark on the world — because you don’t like the world — but don’t give up hope. It’s good to talk with real people from all over the world. That’s what the internet is really for. The rest is just noise. It’s also good to know who your friends are — and where your enemies live.
Th-th-th-that’s all folks!
James Garside is an independent journalist and writer. Sign up for his newsletter for the inside track on all his creative projects and unusual insights about life, work and travel.
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