Asshole Astrology — February 2021
Horoscopes for horrible people
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Here is next month’s horoscope for your sign.
It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up.
What does the universe have in store for you? Let’s find out.
Aquarius: You can cut out carbs but still eat rice. That’s my kind of diet. Everything you read tells you that you need to cut rice too. But whenever I hear that I suspect that these people are a little angry and live unfulfilled lives. You know the ones. They drink lemon water every morning instead of tea or coffee. Their idea of a treat is peanut butter on a celery stick. Fuck that shit. Whenever someone tells me to not eat rice I think about the quote from The Lost Boys: “What, you don’t like rice? Tell me Michael, how could a billion Chinese people be wrong?” Here’s to all the rice!
Pisces: A hilarious friend of mine decribed herself as a cross between Marilyn Monroe and Dorothy Parker — smart mouth, fat butt. I love that so much. Amor fatti is the love of fate. Amor fatty is the love of fat people. Spelling is important, people. Today is not a diet day. Yesterday was a diet day but I then got drunk and ate homous. It was fucking glorious. What diet are you on? This is where I’m meant to say you’re on the seafood diet. You see food and then you eat it. But that’s so boring. I’m right there with you, mate. Not literally. That would be wrong. Mine’s the fuck you I’m hungry diet.
Aries: Demons should be exorcised. Daemons should be exercised. Exercise your demons — nobody likes a fat demon. My muse left me for someone younger and prettier — who writes every day and actually has talent. What is ‘Peanut Butter Shame?’ I won’t ask. Is that a thing? Does that even exist? Yes it does. Do you not have that where you come from? Apparently it’s some sort of weird American thing where people make you feel bad for eating peanut butter. That explains so much. I’m a bad influence on you. *lures you into the library to write with peanut butter sandwiches*
Taurus: I use the mnemonic ‘Some People Can’t Stand Broccoli’ to remember to buy the healthiest vegetables: Sweet Potato, Carrot, Spinach, and Broccoli. The best way to diet? Don’t buy it. Your pants keep fallng down because they no longer fit you. Is that thanks to the Underpant Gnomes or a successful diet? That’s great! What’s your secret? You award yourself half a biscuit? I like your style. I lost a stone by cutting down carbs but even with exercise and healthy eating the rest stays. I’d be ok with exercise if it didn’t mean I had to do sit-ups.
Gemini: An obese nurse advised me to eat less and exercise more. Pot. Kettle. Black. I’m just saying. I’m too poorly for weights. My main forms of exercise are walking, reading and chess. Ok, walking. I only allow myself to listen to audiobooks when I go out, travel, exercise or tidy the house. Otherwise, I’d never do any of these things. I also get a good workout from clinging to baseless hope that one day I’ll lose weight. I tried starving myself and still put on weight. Doctors said eat less, exercise more. That’s a big fat no. But as Albert Camus said: “Idleness is fatal only to the mediocre.”
Cancer: I read Why We Get Fat by Gary Taubes: “Don’t do Carbs. Carbs are bad, m’kay?” That’s it. I just saved you several hours wasted reading the damned thing. It has come to my attention that, as a 6ft tall fat man with long hair, I’m never allowed to feel fragile, need alone time, or have a bad day. People who think fat-shaming isn’t a thing clearly have never worked in an office, gone out in public or had parents. Fat-shaming seems to be the most prevalent when and where I’m eating. As Lionel Shriver said: “If you’re thin, you are a kook; if you’re fat, you’re a failure.” This might be thought of as a double standard.
Leo: Dear thin people who tell fat people they ought to lose weight — we know, we’re trying and you’re not bloody helping. When people suggest that I ought to lose weight — as though I hadn’t noticed — I contemplate killing and eating them. I get it a lot. I’m not sure if people mean well or are just oblivious. But it’s not like I got to this size without noticing or without repeatedly trying to lose weight. I’m so overweight that the elephant in the room is me. According to BMI guidelines I’m three stone overweight, Who do they class as a normal healthy weight, fucking Skeletor?!
Virgo: At a glance I’m a fat bloke with long hair. Dear Drunks: I know you think you’re erudite and witty but unless you get beyond saying I’m fat, blond, long-haired or northern, you’re not. I know you think you’re original but, unless you get beyond pointing out that I’m a fat bloke with long hair, you’re not. A random drunk girl in a bar once stood up and shouted: “He’s got longer hair than me!” Sometimes when people glare at me I just want to yell: “YES I’M A FAT MAN WITH LONG HAIR GET OVER IT!” You ever notice how observational humour isn’t funny and is actually quite repetitive? Stop me if you’ve heard this one.
Libra: Where can fat people buy good jeans? This is NOT a joke. I’m fat and need to buy jeans! Shops don’t have my size in store so I can’t try anything on and buying online just to try on’s a pain. Jeans have lots of options. It feels like they’re designed by androgynous stick insects. Have you tried buying second hand? That’s a GREAT idea but most places don’t sell fat people sizes including charity shops. I’m so fat that stores don’t display clothes in my size in-store even though they sell them online. It’s like you’re their little dirty secret they don’t want thin people to find out about.
Scorpio: How do you REALLY look compared to your profile picture? I look like I ate the person in my profile picture. It makes it harder for snipers to find me. I’m fat, old and ugly. The answer to the question “Hot or Not?” is a definite no. Thank you. A friend once told me I looked like Prince Nuada, the demon elf, but another said I looked like if Legolas had eaten all the elf bread. A friend said I look like a Viking elf. Friends say I’m ‘pretty handsome in a suit’ ‘kinda cute’ and ‘scrub up quite nicely’ — I’m fat, old and take compliments where I find them.
Sagittarius: Me: “Have you ever noticed how there are very few fat cyclists? Perhaps I should take up cycling? I need a bike.” Brain: “I think that’s because car drivers run them over.” You know the Radiohead song that goes ‘Fitter, Happier, More Productive’? — change to ‘Fatter, Grumpier, More Sarcastic’ and that’s me in real life. Lifting pints counts as weight training, right? Try to walk 10,000 steps every day despite being a fat ass and working behind a desk. Sometimes I pace in circles and end up looking crazy. That’s the price you have to pay for being so pretty.
Capricorn: A healthcare specialist told me that I drastically need to lose weight but that I shouldn’t do anything drastic about it. GPs say: Eat regularly — but lose weight. Don’t eat anything bad — but I can’t tell you what is good or bad to eat. And don’t drink caffeine. Things I want to do this year: Lose weight, Write a bestseller, Get the job of my dreams. Things I’ll actually do this year: Eat, Drink tea, Complain. What about you? What do you want to do? What will you do? “If I were beautiful I would be empty and void of meaning but I am ugly and filled with life.”
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