Here is next month’s horoscope for your sign. It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up.

What does the universe have in store for you? Let’s find out.

Now is the winter of our discontent made glorious summer by hats of cynicism and gloves of disenchantment. Socks of sarcasm sold separately.

I went for a walk. It’s officialy cold enough to justify never leaving the house again.

Wake me up when winter’s over, please. I want to pack myself in straw in a little cardboard box. I’ll bite anyone who disturbs me unless they bring tea.

Today has basically been one long nap except for the walk. Looks like I’m hibernating for winter — on second thoughts don’t wake me up at all.

Aquarius: You feel like outsourcing all your writing to someone else but know that they’ll make lots of typos and it won’t be as funny. Just walk away. Just walk away and there will be an end to the horror. No writer gets to decide if they’re worth reading; only if they wrote the best that they could. Spend the day reading your old drafts and notes in search of something to write. Your conclusion may be that you don’t want to write anything and should go for a walk instead. So go for a walk and then write when you get back. Don’t try to write whilst you’re out walking. You need to have really small handwriting if you do all your writing on the fly.

Pisces: Have you ever noticed how social media isn’t very social? I ask for a friend. Ever caught yourself surfing the internet for something and then remembered: “Oh, right, I don’t care about this at all.” I ask for a friend. Have you ever had one of those days when you want to talk something over with a friend but feel like you don’t have a) any b) that’d understand? I ask for a friend. You know when you’ve lost touch with someone but so much time has passed that you don’t know what to say? Well that. You might want to make a few calls. Even if only to your mum.

Aries: Sarcasm isn’t a sales tool. Don’t be sarcastic to strangers unless you want people to tell you you’re wrong, weird or unfunny. I’ll get email about this. Never introduce yourself to people with the words: “At the risk of sounding like a stalker…” Telling someone: “I’m not crazy, my mother had me tested” is only funny if they watch The Big Bang Theory and you’re not alone in a dark alley. Don’t refer to yourself as a sleep-deprived clown-killing insomniac out loud in public even if it’s true. “Even a fool is counted wise when he holds his peace.” I’m just saying.

Taurus: Warning: The universe may contain traces of humans. The universe has a very warped sense of humour. Ask yourself: is what I’m working on helping to make the world better? If not, work on something else. It’s not rocket science. What do rocket scientists say instead of: “It’s not rocket science”? Probably: “It’s not brain surgery.” With this in mind in an ideal world most people would be able to quit their day jobs. That’s not really what we’re talking about here. Try to make sure that whatever you do of your own volition makes the world a better place. It’s ok for you to still pay the rent.

Gemini: Aren’t you a little short for a Stormtrooper? Sorry, wrong meeting. Wisdom teeth are supposed to make you wise. Just like milk teeth are made out of milk. And canine teeth make you bark like a dog. I’m pretty sure that’s how it works. The truth isn’t relative; the truth is incestuous. You expect people to check their facts before saying stuff on the internet? Wow. How quaint! Talk about kicking it old school. There’s a time and a place for everything: not here and not now. Some people don’t have a sense of humour. It’s perfectly ok to fuck with those people.

Cancer: This isn’t the best horoscope in the world. This is just a tribute. “Maybe the hardest thing in writing is simply to tell the truth about things as we see them.” I’m pretty sure that Joan Didion said that but it may have been me. You can’t find it on the internet so how can you prove it one way or another. You’re only human. Or an android that thinks that they’re human. Or an alien. I swear there’s a point in here somewhere. “Zathras is used to being beast of burden to other people’s needs. Very sad life. Probably have very sad death. But at least there’s symmetry.”

Leo: You’ve gone suspiciously quiet of late. Are you ok? Don’t let your muse decide your day. Sitting around all day in your underwear isn’t a job unless you’re good-looking or have a crack habit. We beat ourselves up with the words ‘too little, too late’ but all we can ever do is ‘act right now.’ Life is so complicated. I’d rather live in books. Dear introverts, please could you have a word with yourself on our behalf about how to handle introverts. We’ll sit here quietly, by ourselves, drink tea and mind our own business. Lots of love, every other introvert.

Virgo: You’re so vain. I bet you think this horoscope is about you. As Thoreau said: “How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live.” Copernicus called. Apparently you’re not the centre of the universe. Please don’t post pictures of cats on the internet unless they’re yours and do something interesting. Nobody wants to see pictures of what you ate for breakfast, or lunch, except maybe your proctologist. I think the scariest part is knowing that some of you are actually holding back a little bit. Silence is golden. Profundity is silver. Babble is bronze.

Libra: You’re woke? That sounds so hellish. I much prefer napping. Why do anally retentive people assume that if you do something differently then you must be doing it wrong? The answer is in the question. “Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.” What if you’re not meant to be ‘a writer’ — what if you’re a wizard, or a shaman, and just happen to express it through writing? As Antonin Artaud said: “No-one has ever written, painted, sculpted, modeled, built, or invented except literally to get out of hell.”

Scorpio: It was a dark and stormy night but your protagonist didn’t wake up. They slept through the whole thing. So it is. So mote it be. People care about each other in relation to themselves. I’m not saying that love doesn’t exist; just that it’s besides the point. Your life is your responsibility and ultimately it’s up to you what you do with it. You do you, Boo. You’re already made of awesome. Ain’t no need to pretend to be a grown-up. You already come across as a legit professional who knows their stuff. You just happen to like anime and music and gaming and all the other fun stuff too.

Sagittarius: What’s your mood? I’m had a health scare and don’t want to die but know I probably won’t but realise it wouldn’t be so bad if I did but feel sad at having wasted my life but also know that left to my own devices I’ll just fall into the same bad habits. So, I’m going to say mixed. We’re all just space monkeys, really. You get it. Every year it gets a little tougher. We’re all going home in an ambulance. Hang in there. Consider the evolution of Linda Ronstadt: Stage 1: I don’t know much. Stage 2: But I know I love you. Stage 3: That may be all I need to know.

Capricorn: Is 43 too late to turn your life round, get in shape, write a novel, travel the world, find true love and settle down? I ask for a friend. Instead of looking for your soulmate concentrate on making yourself a better person. Be honest with yourself. If you found the perfect match for you right now they’d probably be an asshole. I am available as a motivational speaker by the way. At least you know what you want to be when you grow up: younger. To tea or not to tea, that is the question. I sometimes cheat on tea with coffee. Then I return to tea because tea is my one true love.