Asshole Astrology — August 2020

Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1999

Here is next month’s horoscope for your sign.

It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up.

Read them all and let God sort them out.

I was dreamin’ when I wrote this
Forgive me if it goes astray
But when I woke up this mornin’
Could’ve sworn it was judgment day
The sky was all purple
There were people runnin’ everywhere
Tryin’ to run from the destruction
You know I didn’t even care
Say say two-thousand-zero-zero party over
Oops out of time
So tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1999
 — Prince

Aquarius: Your heart will tell you that you’ve fallen head over heels in love. Your soul will tell you that you’ve found your other half. Your friends will tell you that you can do better and they never liked them anyway. Life’s a beach but you do like to be beside the seaside. Aren’t you sick of getting these mixed messages? I hear what you’re saying. I’m not a jerk in real life — I just play one on the internet. I’m much nicer in real life, I promise. Like Bill Hicks said: “No I’m not the devil, I’m bluffing, it’s two sixes and a nine.”

Pisces: I was asked by IT support to send screenshots to explain to them a problem I’d already explained in words. Language not good enough for you? What next? Mime? Interpretative dance? A series of funny memes?! I also had online bank customer service staff incredulous that I called them — as though I’m not aware that the world is on the brink of financial collapse. Um, I don’t know how to break it to you, but that’s exactly why I called. In unrelated news I don’t think I’m doing so well at the moment. You neither this month.

Aries: I’m drinking alcohol and eating pizza on week days as well as weekends. I’m allowed to thanks to the apocalypse, right? This isn’t normal behaviour for me at all. I’ve told myself that I’m doing it so I can better see what’s at the bottom of the freezer without falling in. I bet that’s how you feel about writing, your career prospects, and life in general right now. But you did download Animal Crossing so maybe I don’t know you at all. How do you level up in life? I think you have to eat a special mushroom or something.

Taurus: If you throw a tantrum, lose your rag, throw a wobbler, or have a hissy fit your brain chimes in with comments like: “You’re behaving like such a snot!” It’s funny because it’s true. This happens a lot more than you care to admit. You tell yourself that you like to snub your nose at injustice, unfairness and inequality. But come on, admit it, you’re basically a child. You’re also grumpy, sarcastic, and have a potty mouth. So that may have something to do with it. No amount of injustice in the world excuses shitty behaviour.

Gemini: I don’t think non-anxious people realise the game-changing psychological difference that having a door you can lock makes. It’s night and day. At one point I had to live in a room little more than the size of my bed. The only thing that made it tolerable was the lock on the door. Lock all of your windows and doors this month. Make sure that you have a room of your own, where you can work, that you can lock the door to. It worked for Virginia Woolf at least until she killed herself. You’re in good company. Well, you know what I mean.

Cancer: Can you imagine if God was really Karen Walker from ‘Will & Grace’? In the show Karen was described by Grace as “a spoiled, shrill, gold-digging socialite who would sooner chew off her own foot than do an honest day’s work.” Any time you pray to the Lord she interrupts you, cocktail in hand, and says: “Oh, honey, I don’t care.” That would be perfect, wouldn’t it? And this is why we’re friends. This month no matter what life throws at you remember that God doesn’t care about your problems. She’s busy nursing a hangover from the night before.

Leo: You did cardio and martial arts so now you can eat pizza. Well I walked five miles on an empty stomach. That means I can eat pizza now too, right? I’m nowhere near as badass as you but I’ll pretend that’s exactly the same so I can eat pizza. Is there anything in life you wouldn’t do for pizza? That’s how you should motivate yourself this month. You can do whatever you want so long as you eat pizza afterwards. Wait. That’s not quite right. You can eat pizza so long as you do the right things first. Yup that’s it. I’m off for a walk.

Virgo: I found a flask of green tea on my writing desk. It’s a small desk so I shouldn’t be able to lose a tea flask on it but that’s beside the point. This tea has been stewing for about a week. I’ve decided to drink it. Because tea. I figure it will give me superpowers or put me out of my misery. Let’s do this! Are you the type of person who encourages your friends to do crazy things because life’s too short? You make a good point. Thank you for encouraging and enabling my bad behaviour. Maybe you should take your own advice.

Libra: After listening to many hours of interviews with a wide range of them I’ve come to the conclusion that most occultists are a little flakey. Who knew, who knew. For the record I think this despite being an occultist myself. Many of them continue to misquote and misunderstand Crowley. Do what thout wilt doesn’t mean do whatever you want. That’s not what he said and not what it means. Crowley said: “Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.” It means discover and enact your true will. This month: You have one job!

Scorpio: Them: We only publish things about frogs. What do you want to write for us about? Me: Frogs. Them: You haven’t written about frogs before! Me: I’m a qualified journalist. Them: What makes you think you’re qualified to write about frogs? Me: Well as a journalist I can do research or make things up. This isn’t really about frogs, of course, but it should act as a guide for you this month. People may act like you’re not qualified to do something. They’re idiots. Just do your research or make things up. It’s not easy being green.

Sagittarius: Remember in the TV show Utopia how The Network tried to sterilise most of the human race with a protein they hid in a vaccine for a Russian flu epidemic whose outbreak caused mass hysteria? People said the plot was far-fetched and that people wouldn’t panic. Sorry, wrong meeting. Do you want me to shut up? I’ll shut up.* Footnote: *Not bloody likely. I have it on good authority that I turned you to drink? Can I quote you on that? I won’t hold it against you. Truth hurts. Stay safe my friend. It’s a jungle out there.

Capricorn: A friend from New York sent me a book as a gift. The world would be a much better place if we all sent each other books. Words make me happy, numbers make me sad. Do you think that someone who has no natural ability could learn how to be good at finance? How to code? How to build robots and take over the world? What do you want to learn that you aren’t a natural at? Have a go this month. It may take 10,000 hours to become a master but it only takes half an hour to have a go and 20 hours to become good enough to get by.

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