Here is next week’s horoscope for your sign.

It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up.

Everybody knows that astrologers are basically assholes with too much time on their hands and most horoscope writers are failed writers and barely functioning alcoholics.

I mean that in a good way.

As for you being a horrible person — don’t worry, I’m sure that you’re lovely.

Aquarius: You’re being chased by a swarm of angry bees. Luckily they’re far away so if you keep going they won’t be able to catch up with you. Still, remember to be kind to bees — it’s not their fault that they’re angry. We’ve totally screwed them over. Don’t be a dick about it.

Pisces: Some days you’re the mouse. Other days you’re the cheese. This week you’re mostly a mouse made out of cheese being chased by a great big cat who’s lactose intolerant. Who or what is the cat in this metaphor and what does it want from you? That’s what you need to work out.

Aries: Are you insecure about something? You should be! Here’s the secret truth about something you don’t know but feel insecure about anyway. Followed by 10 completely made up reasons that anyone will read anything so long as it’s a list. Self-help doesn’t help. Help yourself.

Taurus: Want to be a morning person? Every day before you go to bed fling yourself into a tree. You’ll wake up with the birds… WHO HURT YOU?!! Stop trying to be so productive all the time. Maybe have an early night, try to get some sleep, or read a book at bedtime or something.

Gemini: Your heart’s in the right place. In a jar on your desk. Next to the much bigger jar of formaldehyde that contains your twin. Why did you kill your twin? And why did you put it in a jar on your desk. That’s a stupid place to hide a body. This week you bury it in the woods.

Cancer: This week will be your best week in about the last 10 years. Or it won’t. Either way you’re still here. You have everything you need. And, short of a great big neon sign pointing in the direction you need to travel, you know exactly what you need to do. Chin up. Fight on.

Leo: You know that old joke about two people in the jungle who get chased by a lion. One says: “We’ll never be able to outrun a lion.” The other says: “I’m not trying to outrun a lion. I’m just trying to outrun you.” Well that. But you’re the lion. And it’s no laughing matter.

Virgo: It’s all a load of old bollocks, really, isn’t it? This horoscope nonsense. Do you think that if I stopped writing them anyone would notice? There’s so many star signs to make shit up for. I am wasting my life! Talk to strangers. Beware of cats. Your lucky number is seven.

Libra: You ever noticed how Libra sounds a bit like library? That’s because your natural habitat is a library. I made that up but go to a library this week. You’re allowed to drink tea and eat flapjacks there to your heart’s content so long as you don’t get anything on the books.

Scorpio: Shit or get off the pot. Can’t you see that there’s a queue here? Other people desperately need to use the loo. Do your business as intended or accept that you won’t, pull your pants up, and get out of there. Either way remember to wash your hands. You’re not an animal.

Sagittarius: Life is a journey. Time is a truck. You are roadkill. If you don’t want to be roadkill then get on the bus. It’s a long journey so you might want to go to the toilet before you set off. And, remember, it’s much easier to ride the bus in the direction that it’s going.

Capricorn: This week you have imposter syndrome. That’s good because you’re a total fraud. Nobody loves you. Everybody knows. I’m just kidding. Stop beating yourself up about nothing you sack of shit. Like I said I’m just joking. Just believe in yourself. You’ve totally got this.

There. I’m a horoscope writer now. Give me all of your money.