Here is next week’s horoscope for your sign.

It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up.

Please ignore me — I’m just bitter.

After getting an MA in Creative Writing, training as a journalist, and a lifetime spent blogging and writing fiction, the thing of mine that gets the warmest response from people by far’s a fake horoscope column that I wrote off-the-cuff as a joke.

I’m not mad, just disappointed.

You see, I wrote a post called Asshole Astrology. It’s ridiculous the number of people who have said they love it, or that it was spookily accurate, given that I made it up off the top of my head.

People keep telling me that their horoscope was exactly what they needed. I feel like yelling at people: “You do know that I make this shit up, right?”

Maybe I should write a horoscope column. I don’t know whether calling it Asshole Astrology is too much (as opposed to something softer like Tough Love Astrology or some shit like that) but, regardless, people are cray cray.

Wouldn’t it be hilarious if I was secretly psychic, or something, so you always got exactly the advice that you needed to hear but with lots of swearing and snark?!!

Maybe each of them is exactly what everyone needs to hear. So it doesn’t matter which you get. Because we all just need a kick up the arse.

Anyway, as I said before, here’s next week’s horoscope for your sign and everybody else’s. Let me know if you enjoy them.

Why not read the whole thing and pretend that the advice for all the other signs also applies to you?

Should I do them daily, weekly, monthly, or yearly? I ask for a friend.

Oh, and if you’re a professional astrologer, or don’t realise that I’m joking, then please take a nice deep breath and calm down.

There’s no need to send me hate mail like last time.

Aquarius: You create your reality. You’re responsible for everything in your life. You’re perfect as you are but need to take massive action in order to succeed. Just keep calm and move the needle to the next level. Find your bliss. It’s in the results-oriented solutions-driven paradigm shift somewhere outside of the box.

Pisces: They say demons should be exorcised and daemons should be exercised. Not in your case. You need to pay less attention to your daemons and knock your demons into shape. Exorcise your daemons. Stop listening to the voices in your head. Exercise your demons. Nobody likes a fat demon.

Aries: Don’t pretend to be someone that you’re not — pretend to be you at your best. Don’t take this advice too literally. I just mean when at work or doing public speaking and stuff. Not if you want to take on someone else’s identity and kill people. But, you never know, that could work too.

Taurus: You must be positive, cheerful and happy at all times. Never offend anyone or express a strong opinion. Always behave in a way that pleases prospective clients and employers. Don’t try to be funny. Sarcasm is evil and wrong. I’m just fucking with you. You do you boo. You’re good bad, not evil.

Gemini: Albert Einstein wrote: “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” That it wasn’t really Einstein who said it, but no-one’s really sure who did, is a case in point. Keep that in mind this week.

Cancer: Government guidance on what to do during the pandemic is clear: Stay at home except when you leave the house. Go back to work unless you can work from home. Kids can go to school but can’t play together in the park. Drink tea from an old shoe. Only use umbrellas on a Tuesday. There’s a metaphor for your life in there somewhere.

Leo: The common factor in all your relationships, including the bad ones, is you. This applies to all kinds of relationships in love, friendship, work, or any other aspect of your life. Is it possible that maybe, just maybe, you’re the problem? It might not be your fault but assume that it is. Act accordingly.

Virgo: Is Mercury in retrogade or do you have your head stuck in Uranus? You’re not depressed — you just have a realistic grasp of how the world works and unflinching honesty about what you see. Are people really so coddled that they can’t deal with difficult questions? You already know the answer to that.

Libra: People treat you like shit. People think that you’re shit. People want you to think you’re shit. Maybe you are shit — but you don’t believe that. You think they’re shit. And that what they want from you is shit. And you’re not prepared to put up with their shit any longer. In short: Fuck. That. Shit.

Scorpio: Do you have a nitch? Put some cream on it. If it doesn’t clear up in the next few days then see a doctor. If you listen to marketers or productivity experts imagine they’re constipated and making stupid noises, gurning and straining, whilst they try to take a dump. “Find your nitch!” “Crush it!” “No pain no gain!” “Double down!” “To the max!” You’re welcome.

Sagittarius: Copernicus called. He left a message for you. Apparently you’re not the centre of the universe? Something like that anyway. I wasn’t really paying attention — I was too busy thinking about my life and my problems. The whole world is busy thinking about their lives and their problems. Don’t worry what people think about you — most of the time they don’t.

Capricorn: People say the stupidest things. Sleep like a baby — naked and crying for no reason. Live each day as if it’s your last — running around screaming in terror. I just think it’s bad advice. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Doesn’t that make you want to puke in your soup? To Hell with that. When life gives you lemons, kick life in the nuts.